80s Not 80s

One strange aftereffect of Cultural Ground Zero has been the rise of the retrowave musical aesthetic. Like the PulpRev in fiction, this movement doesn't so much embrace a genre as an earlier state of the art - in retrowave's case, the 1980s.

To a member of Generation Y, the phenomenon of Zoomers producing musical 80s homages is baffling at first; then kind of chilling. Spend a few minutes watching videos from the synthwave subcategory, and you get the sense that the music makers are nostalgic for a time they never lived through.

Which, when you realize that these kids have only ever lived in Clown World, makes a tragic kind of sense.

Related: Ground Zero

Understand that we're not talking about U2 or Tears for Fears paying tribute to the Beatles. The current retro trend tries to reproduce the sound and style of 1980s pop music as faithfully as possible. Everybody from garage bands to major label brands are getting in on the act.

But it turns out that capturing the 80s vibe isn't as simple as getting some bad synths and jangly guitars together and putting sappy lyrics to "Canon in D."

Some retro acts miss the mark, some get it right, and some are just cashing in.

Let's examine some representative samples.

Futurecop! - "Home"

Consider this song from a couple of college roommates who found their niche a representative sample of what retrowave tries to achieve:

There's craft and artistry at work, here. Though "Home" veers a bit too far into the synths-for-synths'-sake approach, it avoids self-parody. All in all, a good listen that wouldn't quite fool someone who was there.

Next up, our first foray into Big Brand 80s homage ...

John Mayer - "Last Train Home"

Hailed upon its release as the second coming of Toto, Mayer's offering has the syths, the plunky guitars; even congas.

But is it a proper 80s vibe? Listen for yourself.

You can say this for Mayer: He gets the vapid light rock lyrics right.

Still, something is off about this song. It tries for heart, but it winds up feeling like the musical version of a cynical franchise reboot. The production is too clean, for one. And somehow, it feels too subdued. Back in the 80s, even wuss rock artists went all in.

Are the major labels even capable of making an 80s style record with any integrity anymore?

Our next selection may answer that question.

Carly Rae Jepsen - "Run Away With Me"

Ask around online for a contemporary 80s homage, and you'll be pointed toward Carly Rae Jepsen's 2015 album Emotion. The Canadian singer seems to have set her sights on girlpop acts like Tiffany and Debbie Gibson with this album.

Did she succeed in resurrecting their sound?

Check this out ...

Nope. This is all wrong. They wrapped Max Martin style post-Ground Zero lyrics in dated-sounding synths and sold it as retro.

The absence of that obnoxious vocal fry/from-the-throat singing is what makes listening to 80s female singers so refreshing now. Jepsen should have listened to the teen acts named above - or better,  Debbie Harry Belinda Carlyle, or heck, even Madonna - before attempting an 80s nostalgia record.

The scorecard's looking pretty grim for the majors.

But if anything can salvage the situation, it's ...

The Weeknd - "Blinding Lights"

You had to know this one was coming. Do give it a fair hearing, though.

I'll probably take flak for saying so, but this song is good.

And yes, despite the unfavorable reference to Max Martin above, I know he worked on this one. It goes to show he's not entirely without talent.

And he helped write the only song we've covered so far that could pass for a genuine period release.

Related: The Music Makers

OK, some of the lyrics would have furled some brows back in the day. But "Blinding Lights" comes closest to reviving that 80s sound. So far.

Until ...

Blood Orange - "Time Will Tell"

This dude lays down a respectable Prince-style groove. Plus he's got the MTV ca. 1984 video look down.

Judge for yourself:

Now we're talkin'.

But wait. The only ones to get 80s retro right so far have been two black artists. Meanwhile, the likes of John Mayer and Carly Rae Jepsen have failed.

Can white guys just not master the 80s sound?

Let's ask these dudes:

A Silent Film - "Something to Believe in"

Finally! The ambient synths, echo-y guitars, and aspirational lyrics all line up.

It's simple, buoyant, and doesn't outstay its welcome.

This is how you do 80s top 40 rock, John Mayer.

Even still, retrowave hadn't achieved its final form until our next song hit the airwaves. Or rather, theaters.

Not that this one needs any introduction, but to continue the format ...

There's nothing more I can say about this song than it says for itself.

Perfection

Now, for a retro experience that harkens back to the style of 1980s mecha anime, read my hit military thriller:

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